(A)The Starlight Above
by Me And Not You 1001
Summary: A one-shot about Thranduil's wife and the pain she went through. Rated T for indicated tortures and talk of pain, just in case.


"Miriel?" I ignored the call. I wasn't ready to face this. It had been almost ten years since I'd last seen my best friend. Ten years since I'd kissed my husband. Ten years since I'd held my little boy. I wasn't going to spoil those last memories by allowing Udalgûrz's filth to taint them.

"Miriel? Please, look at me?" I stared up into the starry sky. It had been just as long since I'd seen the stars or heard the night bird's sing. I couldn't trust to hope that I have really returned to the home I knew and love. I couldn't trust any of it to last, no matter how I wished…no, needed it to be real. But I could bask in it, while is still had it, that I was willing to risk.

I heard a sigh from Celebrian, then Elrond. "I'm sorry, meleth-nin." He whispered to her.

"At least with Erufael, it had been only a few months." I resisted the urge to growl. Ten years was a lot and I'm still surprised I survived as long, but I point-blank refused to feel sorry for myself, especially compared to Jack. One month or ten years, it didn't matter, pain was pain and torture was torture, they both hurt like hell and pushed even the strongest to their ultimate limits.

"I'm surprised she even looks elven, after ten years in Dol Guldur." My blood ran cold. I worked so hard, fought for so long. I escaped and was caught. I hid, but was found. I'd heard the call of the distant sea and heard the beckoning songs of the Valar, but still I did not give in. I was not born an elf, so I wasn't going to die like an elf, not until I was good and ready.

Thranduil sat down beside me, breaking into my thoughts, but I refused to look to him. I would not have his memory tainted, or I would become good and ready very fast.

"Will you not look at me, my beautiful lover?" His voice was soft and sad. It flowed over my like cool water over my burns. I yearned to do as asked, but I would not risk it, no matter how real it felt and how much I just wanted him to hold me.

He sighed, before leaning over and kissing my forehead. My heart fluttered at the vivid feeling of his lips, but I pushed down my faë, refusing to let it be goaded out of its protective state, for something I wanted so bad it physically hurt.

He stood with another sigh and with Celebrian and Elrond, left. Impulsively, I turned my eyes from the stars to stare at the now closed door.

"You're not in the Greenwood." I whispered aloud. "Don't be stupid, Miriel. It's a trick." Even as I said it aloud, tears began to fall down my cheeks. My strength was already gone. All that kept me alive was pure unadulterated stubbornness, and I was aware, my limit was not far off.

I turned back to the bright, twinkling stars. They looked so real, felt so inviting. It had been years since I was able to walk in starlight, unhindered and at ease.

I, involuntarily, flinched as the door opened again. Thranduil, for I would know his footsteps anywhere, even after ten years, walked up behind me. The hair on the back of my neck prickled with his presence and my burns stung with the anticipation of the warmth he could provide, if I gave him the chance.

Then he spoke.

"After the war, when I first woke up, Celebrian told me of your death, right off." His voice was soft and full of despair. I didn't look, I didn't let my faë reach for him, and I did not want to hear this. I was aware what it meant that I was caught. I knew what would and was happening as days turned to month and months to years. Udalgûrz made certain I would never forget what my survival meant.

"I yearned to pass from these shores," he continued. "I would have, but Jack was adamant that I not cause the entire rewriting of Arda's future and Celebrian would not hear of me leaving Legolas, though, in that instance, I would have simple taken him with me. Sometimes I forget how little he was back then." His weary chuckle pulled at the bond I shared with him. "My how he's grown." I didn't want to hear this.

I jumped when he laid his large, strong, skillfully beautiful hands on my shoulders. "I didn't just miss you, meleth. I lost myself! I did not, do not, exist without you! I'm not even a fraction of what I could be without you, I am nothing."

My faë, wrapped deep down within me, far off out of reach, screamed at the strain on my bond with him. The pain tore through me, the fire of Mount Doom had nothing on my lost faë.

I couldn't take it!

"STOP!" I didn't mean to scream it aloud. I didn't mean to give in and let him hear me beg, but as soon as I began, I couldn't stop the tidal wave.

"Stop!" I don't want to hear it! I already know how much I hurt him! I already know his pain!"

My control crumbled. I couldn't stop the tears or hold back my sobs. I covered my face in my hands, feeling my faë fall in on itself as it tries to remain functional. I didn't want to see the joy that would come with my loss of control. I didn't want to see Udalgûrz's expression on the face of my beloved other half.

I heard him come to his knees before me. Here he would make me. Here he would force me to look at him as he tormented and teased me on the pain that I felt. The pain that was always there.

"Meleth!" He cried. "My star, it is me! You are in the Greenwood! You are truly home! You are safe!"

"No. No, it isn't real. I won't fall for it. It won't happen, again!"

I shook my head. I pushed my broken faë down. I ignored the shattered remains of my bond with him. I would not allow this, not matter the pain. I was used to it, it was the only constant companion I've had this long millennium.

Suddenly, I felt his arms around me! Felt him hold me as I hadn't dared to dream he would again! I relaxed, on instinct, but instantly tensed again. "No! I will not!"

But he spoke.

"I am truly here," He whispered, his breath sweeping over my sensitive ear in warm waves, sending shivers down my spine. "I shall never let you go, my love. Never again." His words were soft. His voice full of love. His arms comfortable and familiar, despite the immense time lapse.

But Udalgûrz always promised pain, if not physical, then mental.

No! There had to be a way! There had to be some way to prove this was real! It had to be real! I needed it to be real! I couldn't live through this!

He ran his hands ran through my hair, just like he used to. It was so special and intimate. If this wasn't real…I was at an end, I would give up. It didn't matter anymore. No mission, no purpose was worth this. If there wasn't a way, I was gone.

There was!

I pulled away from him, just enough to see his face and still be held in his arms. I stared at him, his face, for the first time. He was more beautiful than I remembered. His platinum hair fell past his shoulders, his sharp ivory features, creased with frown lines, his big, beautiful, silver-blue eyes, so full of pain and sadness, but also alight with hope and love.

"I want to see him." I whispered, fearful of speaking louder, of shattering the image. Now that I'd seen him, I didn't want him to ever leave my sight.

"Who?" He replied desperately. His voice sounded with the hope that he felt. I was reacting, I was speaking, not crying, not screaming, speaking, to him, directly.

"Legolas." I said his name carefully, I didn't want this to break, I so bad wanted it to be real.

Oh, I was asking for it. I was asking my broken faë to stand up, only to walk on the glass shards of a shattered hopeful dream.

"I want to see Legolas."

He nodded, slowly, uncertainly. "Do you wish for me to get him? May I send for him?" He sounded scared, as though the moment he walked out of the room, I'd disappear.

Do I risk it? Or do I accept defeat?

Is it worth it? Or will it be the death of me?

Can I do this? Am I strong enough?

NO! You aren't strong enough, but that's why you can do it! You're not strong but you still fought! You've come this far…

Take it all the way.

"Send for him," I finally answered. "Send for my son."

A genuine smile made his face glow with the light of the Eldar and his eyes sparkle like stars. He stood and went to the door. He opened it, gave instructions, then returned to me. He sat beside me, my eyes returned to the stars, but I still spoke to him.

"If you are you," my voice broke.

Do I take a risk? Or accept defeat?

Both, I will risk my faë for my son. I will accept my defeat for my husband.

"Hold me. I don't care if you kill me after, just hold me!"

His arms wrapped me in a painfully warm embrace, but it smelt of him. Of spiced wine and polished leather. Of lavender soap and old books. Thranduil. I closed my eyes, loving the way he ran his long, lithe fingers through my hair. I loved him and would love him even after the world ended and the Big Bang happened backwards.

I pulled out of his embrace and sat up straight when the door opened, again. Multiple footsteps entered the room, but I turned my eyes to the sky. I will look at no one until I have seen him.

"Ada?" His voice was smooth and youthful.

"Come, ion-nin. I would prefer you meet her when she is healed and strong again, but it appears she needs you."

He came around and knelt before me. I let my eyes drop to him and could not hold in the gasp that burst forth. He was so handsome! He looked so much like his father! He had the same long blonde hair, the chiseled ivory features, and tall, lanky form, ripped with muscles. To my surprise and delight, he had my bright green eyes and pale freckles, splayed across his nose and cheeks.

I cautiously reach out and brush his cheek with my finger tips. His warm skin stung my burns, but soothed me as well. I cupped his cheek in my hand and, instinctively, he turned into my touch. With an unhealthy does of fear, I released the wall that protected my faë and reached out for him.

His light was beautiful and pure, still sweet with the innocence of childhood, but strong and stubborn, still. When he felt my touch, his eyes widened in awe. "Nana?" It was so soft it almost wasn't said, but suddenly he leapt forward, enveloping me in a strong embrace, his faë following, folding mine in a light I'd long since forgotten, with the promise of security and love.

I don't know when I started crying. All I knew and cared about was this was real. I was home! My son was in my arms again and my husband was beside me. I would be content to never venture from this room, never face the world, never pick up a sword and fight again.

All I needed was my family.

My beautiful family as bright as the starlight above.


End file.
